Back Where We Started

Here we go 'round again

Thanks for joining me here at Say Yes to the Mess! This is my periodic (trying to be weekly!) note of encouragement for those who are tired of pleasing, performing, and pretending to be perfect. It’s exhausting and I hope you enjoy leaning into the messiness of life here. I’m Amber Keating—licensed psychotherapist, healing coach, and recovering perfectionist. I love guiding people into greater connection with themselves, their loved ones, and the incredible world around us.

Tapping the ❤️ button lets me and others know that you find my words helpful (or just plain fun!). Forwarding this to a friend may be exactly the thing they need to drop their own perfectionist ways. We’re done with pointless rules, LFG!

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As I was writing this and considering how I wanted to title it, the song Do It Again by The Kinks popped in. So that’s the musical inspiration to accompany today’s post! We are rapidly approaching the winter holidays and many of us are facing the prospect of spending time with our families of origin (that is, if we’re not estranged from them). Whether you live nearby or far away, if you do return to your childhood home for the holidays, it can be important to notice how easily we slip back into the dynamics of our childhood or teen years. Ram Dass notably said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” And wow… ain’t that the truth?!

Image of the above Ram Dass quote from RamDass.org

I typically notice that it takes quite a bit of effort to remain connected to my adult self when interacting with my parents. Even when I’m mentally aware of a regressive dynamic, it can sneak up on me and suddenly I’m snarkily retorting, “Ugh mom, that was rude! Why do you have to be like that?!” Probably with a huff and an eye roll attached! It’s been over 30 years since I lived in their home and for 16 of those, I’ve built a loving home with my partner. But I walk through the door at my parents’ house and all that fades away. I used to feel such guilt for that type of regression and get frustrated with myself and with them. There was even one time when I traveled with my parents: the tension got so high that I escaped to the closet in my hotel room and called my husband, crying.

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It’s like there’s a rebellious teen or young adult inside me that is shouting, “I’m a grown-up for heaven’s sake, treat me like one!” because she’s forgotten we actually are an adult now. It’s also hard to demand being treated with calm rationality when we’re acting rather like a petulant child. Oopsie! Even more awesome is when these dynamics happen in our own homes. I remember hosting my parents for a holiday one year and getting into an argument with my mom¹ in the kitchen. At some point I shouted, “Go sit down and let me do it!” The teenage urge to assert my independence just exploded out of me after several attempts to engage calmly.

I’m sharing these experiences to point out that I think it’s quite common for us to navigate dynamics like this when visiting with family in any setting. Once we see these patterns and start to expect them, we can start trying to do things differently. I say “trying” because that can feel like a Sisyphean task. Here I am working hard to use my grounding skills and communicate clearly, just pushing that rock up the hill… then one little thing sets me off and the boulder has rolled over me, squashing my best efforts and sending us all right back where we started. I’m wondering if it’s some sort of familiarity the brain picks up… “ahhhh, I know these people and these vibes… we do X when they do Y.” And again, it’s as if the old pattern pops up front and center, shoving aside all the very adult experiences we manage in our regular lives. Present day me is pleading with that feisty maniac to take it down a notch because we are indeed quite grown and don’t need to act a mess to get our needs met anymore. But Feisty ain’t having it! She’s in it to win it and she has zero intention of backing down. As they say on Disney’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, “Hold on to yer hats and glasses, cuz this here’s the wildest ride in the wilderness!”

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Now the big conundrum lands… We see the pattern and we do. not. like. it, buuuut we keep doing it. For the love of neuroplasticity, why is this so damn challenging?! As I often tell my clients, “why” is not always a helpful question. We can identify all the reasons and triggers in the world, but that may not actually help us navigate a difficult emotional setting with more ease and grace. U.S. culture really loves to analyze things, to figure out problems so we can fix them. But what if we humans aren’t problems to be fixed? Let that sink in for a sec… What if you are not a problem to be fixed? A favorite poem of mine is The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann and one line reads, “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” IDGAF what any politician or creepy restrictive influencer says. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. I believe our ability to change some of these upsetting dynamics lives within that belief, or lack of thereof. In order to engage differently, we need to believe that we do indeed deserve it. We deserve to experience ease and grace in our family interactions, maybe even in all our social and romantic relationships. Doesn’t that sound lovely?!

One strategy I remember learning in energy healing courses was to approach sticky situations with lightness. The energy of an old pattern can be heavy and stressful. So adding some mirth to the mix can help that energy get unstuck, to move a bit. My partner is incredibly skilled at using humor and has defused a number of situations with my family that could have gotten ugly if he weren’t there. And since I refuse to assert that any one strategy is THE WAY (I’m not the Mandalorian, okay?), I also want to name that this can be a tough one because humor comes off as scathing sarcasm if we’re really upset about something and trying to hide it behind fake smiles. My own difficulty feeling or understanding my emotions has led to me to make jokes about things that really land quite poorly. There is nuance to everything. So I often remind folks “results may vary!” Try one approach, see what works about it and what doesn’t. Then you can take that new information and course correct. See, that’s the whole point of my writing… we humans are MESSY! There’s no use in judging things if you try an approach and shit gets weird. It’s hard to predict what anyone will do or say next, even when we have past evidence to inform our predictions. So try something; celebrate what works and use new information to try other approaches.

Another practice when sitting in the soup of wacky family dynamics is to take space. Whether you get overwhelmed by noise or emotion or that one uncle who loves to yammer on about the 49ers or how young folx today don’t want to work, remember that you’re an adult now. You can walk away! Just like me, you can go hide in a closet or bathroom to cry and call a friend or partner for support. You can disengage and scroll Insta or TikTok. You can put in earbuds and listen to music you like. Remember… fuck it all, there are no rules! The rules that matter most (at least to me) are centered on 1) identifying what you feel, 2) noting how that shows you what you need, and 3) communicating your needs and/or finding ways to get them met.

I’m sure there are plenty more strategies y’all have learned over the years that work for you. Please share them in the comments!

If you saw yourself or someone else in this essay, please share it. Send it to your favorite overachiever. Talk it over with your therapist, counselor, or coach. Use it to help a loved one understand you better.

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1. I’ve written other posts about being estranged from my birth mother. When I talk about my mom, I mean my dad’s wife for nearly 40 years. Genuine family isn’t always genetically related.