Thank U

(It's been rough, but thanks for the lessons... I guess?)

I was listening to the radio on the way home from the gym the other day, when the song “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette came on. I hadn’t heard that one in many years and with where I’m at in my life right now, it felt like there might be some deeper message for me to explore there. So here I am, exploring.

In “Thank U,” Alanis sings: “Thank you terror. Thank you disillusionment. Thank you frailty. Thank you consequence. Thank you, thank you silence.” It’s strange to be at a place in life where I am able to have gratitude for the challenges that have influenced who I am today. Do I wish I hadn’t lived through those challenges? Absolutely. And yet… I’ve been able to transform those experiences into guidance and support for others. Like so many others I know, I am giving those who’ve come after me many of the things I needed (support, encouragement, even sometimes redirection).

I used to loathe silence. I was one of those “I can rest when I’m dead” type of people. In my early twenties, I had a color-coded schedule that was filled with tasks & activities from the moment I woke up until I fell into bed each night. I was so over-the-top that I harshly judged people who didn’t engage in the same level of activity as me. It worked pretty well for me, to a point. Since I never rested (and felt anxious when I did rest), my body had to create reasons for me to rest… like frequent illnesses, headaches, and injuries. And let’s face it, resting in that way is ZERO fun.

I see this same “go, go, go” attitude among many of the people I encounter day-to-day. There’s the guy who has to zoom around me in traffic so he can get to the next stoplight faster, only to sit in his car right next to mine. There is the harried mom trucking her kids from school to ballet to soccer to tutoring to home. Maybe you don’t need more examples because this might be exactly how you live your life right now. I’m here to let you know there is a better way! One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that we all have limits. Human time, energy, and experience is finite (or at least as we generally perceive these things). in the end, I think choosing to rest yields the same balance of activity and being forced to stop by pain or illness.

The good news? We are a very flexible species and open to learning new ways of doing/being. Today, rest may very well be my favorite thing. Leisurely mornings lying in bed, listening to my own heartbeat, my own breath, my Self. I used to be deathly afraid of what I would find if I slowed down – or heaven forbid, STOPPED moving – for any length of time. Looking back at those old patterns of mine, I marvel at how I didn’t even know I was doing it. It’s just who I was, my whole way of being, because constant movement kept me safe and earned me a lot of positive feedback from the world around me. You’ve probably seen the memes that go something like, “Turns out my whole personality is a collection of trauma responses.” Yeah. That’s a tough one to realize. So thank you, thank you silence.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this… If you’ve been running so fast and so long that you’re not really sure who you are, I see you. If you’re afraid to slow down, I see you. If you have the sneaking suspicion that there might be a better way to do things, I see you and I have some ideas about finding that state of better you’re seeking. I know it’s hard to trust anyone but yourself. You’ve been managing all by yourself for so very long. I see you. I get it. Your sneaking suspicion is right: Better is available.