Clarity
If you see something, say something
Thanks for joining me here at Say Yes to the Mess! This is my weekly-ish note of encouragement for those who are tired of pleasing, performing, and pretending to be perfect. It’s exhausting and I hope you enjoy leaning into the messiness of life here. I’m Amber Keating—licensed psychotherapist, healing coach, and recovering perfectionist. I love guiding people into greater connection with themselves, their loved ones, and the incredible world around us.
Tapping the ❤️ button lets me and others know that you find my words helpful (or just plain fun!). Forwarding this to a friend may be exactly the thing they need to drop their own perfectionist ways. This first post of the week is a freebie, so please share if you feel so inclined. We’re done with pointless rules, LFG!
I’m gonna get right to the point here… If there was a way to be perfect, I would have figured it out by now. If you’re drawn to my writing, my guess is you would have figured it out, too. What exactly makes us want to fix ourselves, push, pull, shrink, and shove our bodies, minds, and behaviors into someone else’s idea of what should be? (Goodness I loathe that word and would love to eliminate it from our vocabulary!). And what if there’s nothing to fix? For this post, I’m feeling a connection to Johnny Nash’s song I Can See Clearly Now. Plus there’s a nod to TSA in my subtitle because my goodness U.S. airports repeat that message WAY too much! For the longest time, my vision was clouded by the faulty programming of capitalist culture and adults who benefited from my constant overcompensating for the faults they pointed out.
Even as I write that, I’m stopped short. Because I’m not advocating for a static existence, one where we reach a particular point and then stop growing. There’s nuance here, so let’s dig in. The way I see it, healing our wounds is not the same as fixing them. Fixing is rooted in perfectionism and assumes there is one right way to be in this world. I’ve lived enough life to know that this idea is myopic… there are seven billion people on this planet. With that many people, living in vastly different communities, how could there possibly be one way to life this life? Maybe it’s capitalism and colonialism that wants us to believe these things, because if we think we’re damaged, we’ll buy more stuff to fix whatever problem has been identified by the latest corporation getting bloated off our insecurities.
Patterns and Problems
That pattern of identifying problems in ourselves and trying to fix them is not authentic. It’s trying to fit ourselves into someone else’s mold. It doesn’t honor that we are complex and paradoxical beings who are often navigating liminal space. Healing – as opposed to fixing – is instead a space where we explore the nuance of existence. Fixing requires certainty and an assertion there is ONE way. Healing for me is more about curiosity and connection. Taking this message in makes us more powerful.
As a child, I was made to feel that I was the problem. The adults were screaming at each other? I must have done something wrong. The adults stayed up too late partying? They needed it because I stressed them out. Some adult’s feelings were hurt? It was probably because I didn’t say “good morning” in just the right tone. In addition, messages that we’re not good enough are literally everywhere in this culture. I feel sick thinking about it. Capitalism loves convincing us we have a problem and then selling us the solution. Too fat. Too skinny. Too tall. Too short. Too dark-skinned. Too light-skinned. Too vulnerable. Too bossy. Hair too curly. Hair too straight. Hair too short or too long. Wrong wrong wrong. Ew! But what if there isn’t actually anything wrong with you?
When a powerful person or system convinces you that you’re the problem, you internalize the following set of beliefs: - Everything I do is a mistake. - I cannot trust myself because I’m always doing something wrong. - Expressing my needs will anger others. - I have to apologize even though I don’t know what I did; apparently my very existence is wrong. - I have to make sure my appearance is acceptable to others, even if I’m uncomfortable. - I better carefully choose my words so as not to be offensive. Just writing this, I feel an intense pulling inward and upward, an old pattern of “be on alert” for the slightest sign of danger. Barf! The amount of time I lived like that still floors me.
Needs and Demands
That way of thinking creates in us a space where unmet needs become demands. We can keep up the façade for only so long. Because it takes an incredible amount of energy to deny our authenticity, to act out of alignment with our needs and values. When those moments arise, when our needs burst out of us as unruly demands, we often feel bad for being insistent and then the shame spiral starts all over because the plea itself is clearly evidence that we don’t deserve to exist (what a crock of BS… everyone has needs and it’s okay to express them!). I am here to show you that you can instead have curiosity and compassion for your needs, maybe even express them in calm, kind ways before they turn in impulsive demands.
Remember how I started this out talking about how we can’t possibly achieve perfection? Well, my dear, you cannot possibly be in control of all your impulses and emotions at all times. A mentor once said to me, “There is no way you can possibly live this life ‘right,’ so maybe let yourself off the hook.” I may have bawled like a baby at that, as I was finally ready to really integrate that message. Repeat after me… I am not perfect, I never will be. Progress is more important than perfection. Think about the last time you got demanding about something. What need or value was that demand wanting you to know about yourself? I believe our emotions are messengers; they show us what we care about and what we need. When we take that perspective and decide to listen to our emotions, we can identify the message underneath them.
In closing, if you take nothing else from this please remember: your needs and values are not a problem. Furthermore, that knowledge is not a license to act a fool towards anyone. I believe that as we become more aware of what we need and value, we can connect more deeply with others’ needs and values. We can then give ourselves and each other grace for how unmet needs and values might make us act messy at times. Compassion first, then start again. I truly believe that when we release the attempt to fix, that’s precisely when deeper connection and healing can happen.
How have you been trying to fix yourself? And what helps you shift out of that pattern? How do you work to express your needs without blame/judgment? Let me know in the comments or shoot me an email: info@amberkeating.net Until next time, wishing you soft places to land and all the safe connection you can find, because connection matters most!
If you saw yourself or someone else in this essay, please share it. Send it to your favorite overachiever. Talk it over with your therapist, counselor, or coach. Use it to help a loved one understand you better.
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The way someone can convince you that you’re the problem is so real, and it often starts with parents. I was fortunate because mine are great, but that’s not the case for everyone. A lot of people grow up believing they’re the reason for everything bad, that nothing good comes from them, and that they’re more of a liability than anything. It’s unfair because having a child is a choice rooted in our own desires. So we should treat children with that awareness. We chose life for them, and they deserve to feel wanted, cared for, and valued simply because that’s why they’re here in the first place.